I just completed work on my latest zine, one featuring LiveJournal entries from 2004-2005, back when I was 18, 19 years old and angsty. My parents were pretty protective of me and I hadn’t really done much on my own, I was a bit immature and a bit naive. I realized I have changed a lot in the past 10-11 years and I realized how little I have changed in some ways.
I have always had a horrible time expressing myself. It amazes me that in my own journal I wouldn’t just come out and say whatever I was feeling or thinking. I was always so guarded and censoring myself. I still do that.
Despite being secretive about my true feelings and emotions, in many ways I was completely obvious, I have no poker face, I wear my heart on my sleeve. It’s like I’m marching down the street in a parade, but there’s no music because I don’t want anyone to know about the parade, even though everyone can see it plainly.
I would feel hurt and wouldn’t say anything. I would feel love and wouldn’t say anything. I would be angry and couldn’t tell why…maybe because I was oppressing all of my expression!
The zine has been a lesson in self reflection, a reminder of things I need to work on, a fun trip down memory lane, a reminder that even if in some of my posts I used phrases like “din din” I also could write eloquent poetry when I felt like it.
I need to stop holding back. My entire life, I feel like I’ve held back who I really am, and how I really feel, and I don’t know why. Creating this zine and publishing it, asking friends for permission to be included in it, it’s pushing my boundaries, it’s getting me out of my comfort zone and I think it’s the first step towards freeing myself.
To quote A.S. King: “Free yourself, have the courage.”