I realized the main reason why I haven’t left the day job yet is because I am scared. I am scared that I won’t have the money to pay my bills. I am scared that I will fail. I am scared that I will have to go back to working a crummy retail job if it doesn’t work out. I am scared that it will put a strain on my relationship. I am scared of my own potential. I need to stop being a wuss.
The past month was a roller coaster ride of emotions and events and realizations. I am glad to have a fresh start with October. I felt very much attacked on many levels during conversations, meetings, and various interactions with friends, coworkers, acquaintances, strangers and the like. My friend Tracy put it best “I think the universe is testing you.” Testing me, yes, but also pushing me around and beating me up to see if I would cower and be defeated or if I would grow a pair and start fighting back. I realized that my first reactionary response was to feel defeated, but then to get defensive and rise to my knowledge, experience and bad-assery. I know what I’m doing, I can continue to do this. I can do anything I put my mind to damnit, so get out of my way while I go do it!
Adventure… it could definitely be a drinking game to read my blog and take a drink every time I mention adventure. I’ve been craving adventure, and I haven’t had enough of it. Mostly because of the first bit: I’m scared. I keep making excuses as to why I keep putting off adventure: I can’t afford it, How will I make money while I’m off gallivanting, I would feel bad adventuring by myself, How will I pay to get all that film developed after adventuring… Silly excuses, weak excuses and most of them revolving around the “How” to do it, not really anything against actual adventure itself!
I took a step back and realized that there have been a lot of opportunities this year that have arisen or that I have considered creating for myself that would allow me to free myself from the day job, adventure, and still make money while doing it. I’ve been too scared to implement them because it’s awesome to have an idea but there are all these other little nagging voices that come to mind of where will I stay, and how will I pay bills, will I miss my partner and what if it doesn’t work out? I think I just need to stop worrying so much, and hit the ground running putting these crazy ideas into action. I’m tired of writing about things… time to do them… and then maybe write about that ;P
Restless and Feeling Reckless…